Relationships: Part II

So here's parte dos of the relationship posts -- the first one is here, and it's just about human relationships in general. Now let's move on to romantic relationships. WOOT!

*Disclaimer* I'm not a dating expert. I don't have a fantastic track record. But hey, what better thing to do with mistakes than to learn from them? HOLLA! Okay, so first of all, a shout-out to all my single ladiez (and gents)!! This post mostly only applies to those who aren't in romantic relationships right now.

Lately, I've been wrestling with what to do with our desires to be in a romantic relationship. These desires are good and healthy and human, but sometimes what we do with those desires makes all of the difference. I am praying right now for my desires for God to be greater than my desire to be in a relationship.

Sometimes I say to myself, "well okay, I'm not in a relationship right now, and that's okay. It's actually fine and lovely," but then I start fantasizing about the future and thinking about any future relationships I might be in. Even though I'm not looking to date anyone right now, I still yearn for someone in the future to be there. I want to share my life with somebody some day, and sometimes I find myself daydreaming or fantasizing about that person (even if I don't know who it will exactly be) or what it will be like. Now moderate curiosity is no problem and it's sometimes fun to wonder about the future. But sometimes I try to convince myself that by doing this, I am preparing myself for a future relationship. I think that by reflecting upon my relational future, I am slowly preparing myself for a healthy relationship. But this is wrong. That's not the best way that I can prepare. For me, thinking about my future partner right now is actually not productive.

So for all you lovely, single people out there -- let's be productive with our time now. The way that we can most efficiently and effectively prepare for our relational features is to pursue God now. I don't need to work on myself in order to make me a more attractive candidate to be a girlfriend. I don't need to fantasize about what I want in a significant other or who might make me happy or whatever. I need to focus on my relationship with God, the most important relationship of all. Whether you're single or not, your most valued relationship should be with God. And He's always pursuing us. We don't have to wait for Him to be interested in us. He is already interested, even when we don't feel super interesting. Seeking God now is practical preparation for a romantic relationship in the future. It is not a passive thing to do in the meantime while I'm still single. And even more, I can praise and seek God in my singleness, even if I don't want to be single for the rest of my life.

God can purify, cleanse, and direct my heart now so that I can be more prepared to have a blessed, edifying relationship with someone later.

Relationships: Part I

Yep, you heard right, this post is about relationships! I will be splitting up this topic into two posts -- this first one is about human relationships in general and the next one will be about romantic relationships. LEZ GO!

During the past year, God has been revealing some pretty incredible and difficult truths about my human relationships, whether they be with my family, friends, or a significant other. In my opinion, one of the most beautiful ways in which God made us is our desire for relationships: to be in intimacy with others and to share life with them. This is so amazing to me, as I definitely see it in my own life. I have been so blessed to see how community and truly loving relationships add so much beauty to our life (praise God!).

But more than that, I have personally experienced how broken human relationships are. They can be filled with so much selfishness, pride, jealousy, betrayal, and disrespect. Even when I think of some of my most cherished relationships with my family and friends -- they are all affected by our brokenness as individuals. But in my life, the most pain has been caused not by the individual brokenness of myself and the other person, but rather the value and function of that relationship. I have been in the process of evaluating how I view my relationships, what I get out of them and what I put into them, and their role in my life.

My human relationships are so important to me, and often I put them before my school work, sleep, and a lot of times before my relationship with God. OH SNAP. But for real, this is a problem. While it is absolutely wonderful that I have so many people in my life that I care deeply about, it is not absolutely wonderful that I elevate my human relationships above my relationship with my Creator, my Redeemer, my God.

My prayer this week is to desire God: the only relationship that can truly satisfy me. I want to seek God first, and then everything and everyone else after that. There is NOTHING wrong with craving and desiring human relationships, as God created us to be relational beings, but ultimately He needs to be our rock and foundation.

So this might sound kind of abstract and impractical, but here are some tangible questions to think about:

• When something exciting happens to you, who do you talk to first? 
• When you are having a bad day and need a release, who do you talk to? 
• When you're feeling lonely or insecure about something, what do you do? 
• When you need a pick-me-up, who/what do you turn to?

I truly want all of these answers to be GOD. I understand that's really hard, but it's also awesome. There is nothing wrong talking to people about something exciting or telling them about your bad day, but when a dependence develops so that when you don't receive that acceptance and assurance from humans, you feel incomplete or unsatisfied, that's where things get unhealthy. 

God, help me to put You first and to seek You before anyone else. Cleanse and purify my human relationships, so that they may be a blessing to You. Help me seek You in my relationships, but before that, help me seek You alone first. 

Holy and blameless

If someone asked me to describe myself in a few words, the words "holy" and "blameless" would definitely not be on the list. Sure, I wouldn't say that I'm a horrible person, but I definitely would not elevate myself to a level of holiness and blamelessness.

But to God, I am holy and blameless. Don't believe me? Read these verses:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight." (Ephesians 1:3-4)

"Yet now He has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in His physical body. As a result, He has brought you into His own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before Him without a single fault." (Colossians 1:22)

That is absolutely incredible. And it's not because I earned this status; it's not because of my efforts to be a "good person" or to be godly or to spread God's love. No, it's not because of me at all that He sees me this way. It is because of Jesus. He took my unholiness and blame to the cross, so they died on the cross with Him. My unholiness and blame are actually gone and forever forgotten. Now, God doesn't look at me as unholy and blameful, even though I deserve that. He does not see me how I am just as a human, but who I am through Christ. So, because of that, He literally sees me as perfect. This is crazy to me, because I know I am so far from perfect. And I am, apart from God. Him seeing me as perfect is not evidence that our God is oblivious and idealistic; instead, it is proof that He gives undeserving love that actually transforms me into a holy being.

On the cross, Jesus received death so that we could receive life. He took on the status of a sinner so that we could inherit His status of righteousness. When God looks at us through Jesus Christ, He doesn't see us for who we are, but for who Jesus is. That is not too shabby ;). The creator of this Earth, who is perfect and all-powerful, sees me, little old me, as perfect as his blameless son Jesus. That is pretty fricken cool!

So let's try to begin to see ourselves and others in the way that God does. Say to yourself, "I am perfect in Jesus Christ" and "that person is perfect in Jesus Christ!" I know we definitely aren't accustomed to seeing ourselves or others in this way, but why not try to adopt the perfect attitude of God? I think life would be a lot better if we learn to take it easy on ourselves and other people every now and then, and just love on ourselves and on people as if they were holy and blameless. Because they are.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me." - Galatians 2:20

Resting in His words of peace

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge." - Psalm 62:5-8

Blessed self-forgetfulness

This post is based on one of Tim Keller's sermons, Blessed Self-forgetfulness - one of his best, in my opinion. I really recommend that you listen to all of it. I will re-cap a little and talk about how it relates to me and my life.

It's based on 1 Corinthians 3:21-4:7. Here are some of the highlights:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of people's hearts. At that time each will receive their praise from God. (verses 3-5)

...then you will not be puffed up in being a follower of one of us over against the other. For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? (verses 6-7)

TK (Tim Keller) started off the sermon by talking about self-esteem and how this idea manifests differently in different cultures. While traditional cultures believe that people misbehave and there are problems because of high self-esteem, western (and more modern) cultures believe that societal problems stem from low self-esteem.

He goes on to talk about the natural state of the human self/ego, which is one of pride, which is defined as over-inflation. The natural state of the human ego is empty, painful, busy, and fragile. Pride is always competitive, as we are constantly comparing ourselves and building a resume for ourself to prove ourself in some way.

Then he continues with a discussion about how we (western, modern cultures) remedy our low self-esteem with high self-esteem, and are told to evaluate ourselves in some way. In this passage in Corinthians, Paul does not fall into this trap of attaining higher self-esteem. A lot of us might think that we have it right, because we don't worry about living up to other people's standards and instead live up to our own standards. But Paul says here that this is wrong -- we should not judge ourselves.

TK then talks about true humility. It does not mean that you have to think less of yourself, but think about yourself less. Catch the difference there? Blessed self-forgetfulness allows us to truly step outside of ourselves and really care about and love other people. Being self-forgetful does not mean that we hate OR love ourselves. True humility means that we are never devastated by criticism, and instead learn from it.

So how do we get this blessed self-forgetfulness that sounds so awesome? I mean I know that I for sure don't want to judge other people or myself, and I don't want to be affected by other people's judgments or my judgments about myself. The problem with self-esteem is that it puts us on trial everyday -- figuring out our self-worth and connecting our character with our actions. The solution that Paul offers is: GET OUT OF THE COURT ROOM! The Lord is the ultimate judge, and that's it. With the gospel, the verdict comes out before the performance. The verdict that we are loved, free, and forgiven then dictates our performance, and it's not the other way around.

We don't have to be on trial every day because Jesus went to trial for us as our substitute. How awesome is that? He took the condemnation that we deserve, and therefore, we don't have to take that condemnation! We don't have to go to trial and connect our sins to our self-worth.

We can re-live the gospel and walk out of the court room every day as we pray to truly take hold of our identity in our blessed self-forgetfulness. We should only care about what the Lord thinks of us, and He says that I am His child and He is well-pleased. AMEN!

The hardest part about this whole passage and sermon is the judging yourself part. Not only are we called not to judge others, but we are called to not judge ourselves. Yo, that's crazy. I am always evaluating my emotions, actions, self-esteem, identity, etc. and instead of actually doing much good, this forces me to be inwardly focused almost all of the time. True humility is not possible if we are constantly putting ourselves on trial, even if we have the best of intentions. So for real, let's all get out of the court room and live a life free from judgment and worries about self-esteem and self-worth.

The other (and no less important) part of our spirituality

When we assume that the best way for our spiritual lives to prosper is to simply spend quiet time in prayer and/or meditation, we diminish the importance of other necessary aspects of living in harmony with God. Our faith and spirituality should not only be seen as something personal and individual, but should extend into our human relationships.

Jesus says in John 15:13 that "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." That is pretty powerful. God does care about our friendships, because Jesus has in interest in every single person. Laying down my life for my friends does not mean that I'm throwing away my life, but as O. Chambers so eloquently says, "I willingly and deliberately lay it [my life] for Him and His interests in other people. And I do this for no cause or purpose of my own." This very idea challenges our individualism and our tendency to cling to our own interests and desires.

Many of us are aware that God loves us so much and that we are precious in His eyes. But this love and acceptance does not give us permission to lead inward and self-centered lives. "For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love" (Romans 5:5). He has filled our hearts with His love, not just love in general. His love extends to every person on this earth. His love is not selfish and self-serving but instead is gracious, generous, and unconditional.

I know that I fail so often in laying my life for my friends. How am I supposed to lay down my life for my friends if I am constantly prioritizing my needs, emotions, and struggles above others? How do I expect to grow spiritually if I am not claiming and acting out His love that He has so graciously given me? How are we of use to others if we limit our "spirituality" or "faith" to only our personal, alone time with God?

God challenges us to live out our spirituality in our relationships with our friends, family, significant others, professors, co-workers, strangers, etc. How are we laying our lives down for these people? Are we putting aside our interests and desires to instead espouse God's all-encompassing, self-sacrificing love to truly serve and love others?

Instead of seeing all of this as a burden and yet another thing to put on our to-do list, I'm choosing to see this as a way in which God will work through me. He is the source of the strength, power, and love that it will take to lay down our lives for our friends -- let's not forget that it's really not about us.

So what are the practical steps that we can take to do this? I'm going to start with writing a few letters (I've been slackin' lately!), making a few phone calls, and most importantly of all, listening more.

Being spiritual

The call to spiritual perseverance: "a call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated" (Oswald Chambers). 

Many of us can say with conviction that our good friend Ozzy always puts us in our place and keeps us grounded and humble. He calls it like it is, or rather what we are, which is spiritually lazy. 

Being spiritual is so "in" right now -- who doesn't want to be known as someone who is spiritual? For those of us who are Christians, we often shy away from the word "religious" and instead want to be deemed "spiritual." And there is nothing wrong with that. But the reality is that we aren't spiritual just because we say we are or because we want to be. Being "spiritual" can mean many things for different people, but I'm going to dive into why  my I want to be more spiritual.

I would describe myself as self-aware, grounded, and in touch with my emotions. I am very comfortable in my humanness. I know myself -- I know my strengths, my weaknesses, and I can think logically about my emotions and human experiences. Now none of these things are bad -- in fact, I would say that this is a strength of mine. However, these good things can quickly turn into idols, and as Timothy Keller so succinctly points out, an idol is "anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give" (Counterfeit Gods). 

When I become so engaged in who I am as a human, I lose sight of my connectedness with God. I become disillusioned because I don't see myself as spiritual or connected to a spiritual being. There are so many times when I feel far from God and from the person that He made me to be. These things do not happen because God wants me to feel distant from Him; instead, this disconnect and distance is due to my lack of spiritual discipline and perseverance. We need to actively pursue Him every day, in the small, mundane details of everyday life, in conversations with other people, in our actions, in our thoughts, in our words, and in our alone time with Him. 

Like Oswald Chambers says, we can't just be lazy and do nothing, but instead we have to work deliberately in order to be spiritually connected to the highest Spiritual Being. The word "work" can be discouraging, as it might provoke worries of burden and fatigue. But this work is holy work and as Jesus promises us, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" (Matthew 11:30). So that's one of my goals this Lenten season: to become more spiritually connected with God -- not merely to say that I'm "spiritual" but to truly be one with the holiest and highest Spirit of all.